The Great Taboo: Miscarriage and the workplace
This quarter, we have a very personal account from Laura Fortune, who is a communications consultant at Mercer Marsh Benefits. In this article, Laura shares her story about baby loss and the ongoing impact that dealing with a miscarriage can have, as well as support that’s available to grieving parents
An estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. Since 2002, October played host to Baby Loss Awareness Week (#BLAW), which was initiated by a group of parents inspired by a similar movement in the United States. The event brings comfort and support to bereaved parents who have lost children through miscarriage, sudden infant death syndrome and other means. They encourage parents to light a candle of remembrance in a “Wave of Light”, breaking the taboo of openly discussing miscarriage and baby loss.
This year was the first time I lit my own candle. It has taken me nearly a year to come to terms with our loss. Facing something as heart-breaking as a miscarriage brings with it a whole host of emotions and experiences you never expect to go through.
No one can describe the pain our hearts went through for the days leading up to the hospital visits. The weeks and months that followed were filled with grief and the realisation that the hopes and dreams we imagined for the life we were growing had vanished.
Careless Talk?
Whether you lose a baby weeks into the pregnancy, full-term or everything in between, the grief experienced by parents is raw and unprecedented. I found that friends, relatives and colleagues couldn’t find the right things to say. My experience with doctors and nurses was a mixed bag too. Some were empathetic and comforting and others asked why I was crying, suggested I could try again or that it was just some cells.
I was trying to make sense of what felt like a deeply unfair situation and discovered articles that helped me understand that people were not saying the right things, and helped me explain to people what not to say.
I realised that this is not talked about enough, which is what makes it so difficult to unburden yourself from the heavy emotions that come with something that can be so traumatic.
A survey by the Miscarriage Association, focusing on attitudes to pregnancy loss, revealed that the majority of respondents believed talking to someone who has suffered a miscarriage would help that person. However, 32% said they would not feel comfortable in doing so. When asked why, the popular answer was not knowing what to say.
Talking to a counsellor was particularly useful and it’s worth referring your colleague or employee to their EAP who will be able to offer support where others might find it difficult. Equally, many organisations offer online forums and support groups where you can go and share your stories. This was a particularly helpful tool for me personally, as it helped me feel a lot less isolated and encouraged me to recognise that my feelings of grief were normal and even healthy.
Support
Support at work I was lucky enough to have support from my team and managers to help guide me through the storm. They made me feel comfortable, allowed me the time I needed to physically recover and mentally grieve the loss. Support from work was integral to helping me navigate such a turbulent time, and there’s lots of advice available for employers to support their employees and colleagues. Knowing work were supportive of the situation not only helped me come to terms with the loss, but also helped me feel safe when I did come back to work. A miscarriage or pregnancy loss is often unexpected, so the feeling of having the rug pulled from beneath you can make people feel vulnerable and unprotected.
How to find relatable support There are some incredible organisations dedicated to helping bereaved parents, with many providing on-going support through pregnancy after loss and recurrent miscarriage. Stories and relatable content can be therapeutic and help you navigate the grieving process.
Finally ...
Starting a conversation about how pregnancy and infant loss can affect your employees and colleagues is an important step to helping break the taboo. Talking openly and honestly has helped my healing process, and has encouraged others to speak about what happened to them. Here’s some top tips to help you or someone you know cope with pregnancy loss:
- Make sure they feel like they are heard – Simply listening can be a powerful gesture.
- You are not alone and you are safe – vulnerability and loneliness are often associated with grief.
- Don’t start your sentences with “At least” – Empathy is not about finding a silver lining.
- Seek out or offer support – Whether it’s via EAP or a free online service, there’s lots of information out there to help. Pointing someone in the right direction might help them make sense of what is happening.