No one's talking about ... Fertility Issues
It’s fair to say that the most infuriating question that newly married couples are asked is, ‘when are you going to have children?’ However, such a seemingly innocuous question can often be really upsetting to a couple who may be struggling to conceive, and these problems are more common than you’d think.
It’s estimated by NICE that 1 in 7 heterosexual couples struggle to conceive, and while the increasing age of first time mothers is certainly a factor in this, fertility problems can affect people in any age group. In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) is one of the most common treatments for couples experiencing fertility issues, however, the availability of treatment under the NHS can vary by the area that you live in, and can be restricted to one or two cycles of treatment.
In a survey carried out by Middlesex University, only 18% of respondents had their treatment fully funded by the NHS, with all others surveyed having had to pay for a proportion or the entirety of the treatment. Coverage across England in particular seemed to be the most uneven, with the well documented postcode lottery being attached to such treatments.
IVF can be incredibly expensive, with one cycle costing about £5,000. Often, couples will require more than one cycle of treatment to get a successful conception so the costs very quickly mount up, particularly if you're having to pay privately for treatment. Each cycle takes four to six weeks and involves a lot of medication that can cause side effects such as bloating, cramping, hot flushes, mood swings and nausea.
With only a 29% success rate in under 35s, which reduces as you age according to the NHS, the process can be full of frustration, disappointment, grief, anger, and resentment, which, coupled with ongoing hope, can create a rollercoaster of emotions that needs constant support.
Do say … ‘I’m sorry, this all sounds really stressful. I’m here for you if you need anything.’ – Just listening is all you need to do and letting them know that support is there if they need it.
Don’t say … ‘Maybe you’re just not meant to be parents.’ – Statements like this can be deeply hurtful and suggests that they’re somehow not deserving of children.
While there has been improvement in the last couple of years, advertising and the media still focus on the stereotypical picture of a happy family and for women in particular who are experiencing fertility issues, it can feel like the pressure to conceive is inescapable and that everyone else is able to do it with such ease, even though the statistics prove otherwise. With motherhood being so synonymous with femininity, an inability to conceive may bring rise to a crisis in identity as a woman.
For this reason, it’s important to be mindful of team members who might be going through this and, as harmless as it may seem, not ask them about their situation, but create an environment where they feel comfortable to raise it if that would help.
Currently, employers are not legally required to offer leave for women completing IVF, and only a handful of employers have elected to offer this voluntarily, recognising that the majority of women going through this process would be in employment. Women can be reluctant to come forward and discuss it with their employer though, fearing that it may affect their future career opportunities. However, a supportive employer is likely to only strengthen the relationship with the employee going through this experience. By engaging with their employer, women may be able to access support services, such as counselling through an Employee Assistance Programme or Private Medical Insurance scheme, depending on the benefits the employer has in place. Equally, this is something that a partner could explore with their employer, if they have spouse benefits available.